In Less Than 24 Hours

Welp. It’s over. My Hilton Head Summer of 2011 has reached its finale. By noon tomorrow I’ll be back in Utah and ready to dive into life post-”blah period.” That’s the official term, in case you were wondering.

The past four months were exactly what I needed. I needed to get away. From everything. I needed to empty. I needed to breathe. I needed to read. I needed to think. I needed to sit. I needed the sea. I needed my sister’s wedding. I needed one of the people who came to the wedding. I needed the sunrise. I needed to not write. And then I needed to write. I needed to pray. I needed time.

And I got all of that. And then some.

A friend I hadn’t seen in years said to me earlier in the summer, “You just don’t sound like you. It’s like your passion is missing or something. You used to be so passionate.” And he was right. But it/I (perhaps both) had been extinguished.

But y’all…the passion is back. (Do you hear me?!) And holy smokes. There are some big things ahead. Big, awesome, exciting, hard, things that I feel fire in my gut about.

(Finally!)

I know what I’m doing. And I know where I’m going.

And it’s right. Like the, “I-know-this-in-my-bones” kind of right. Which I haven’t felt in so long.

It will mean a lot of work and much about how it will all unfold is totally uncertain. But it’s what I wake up thinking about and it’s what I go to sleep dreaming about.

And is it weird to say that I can feel a lot of this in my eyes? Like there’s this familiar brightness, that has been missing–I’m not sure how to explain it–but it’s like my eyes, my old friends, are back. I doubt that makes sense.

But anyway, in less than 12 hours I’ll be on a plane. Headed back to life.

And I’m just really excited.

*Photo taken this morning as I mozied around my grand’s property. It’s what I saw when I looked up.

As I Pack My Summer Into My Suitcase

There is much to say and so little time to say it.

I’m headed to Florida this morning for a week on the Orange River with my grandparents. And then it’s back to Utah.

Into the suitcase, along with my flip flops and t-shirts, go seashells and feathers and journal pages and books, but perhaps most importantly–a great sense of brightness. Of hope. Of calm. Of healing.

This morning I arrived at the shore for my last Atlantic sunrise of the season and it was the most peaceful it’s ever been. The ocean, though undulating, was flat. Minute waves broke only at the very last second and retreated back into themselves making no more than a slight rushing of sound.

No clouds. Just a clear sky and the sun–a florescent orange sphere, full and rising like a phoenix.

Every day these last few weeks I’ve felt the Earth in me and me in the Earth. And today, as I peered into the endlessness of color and shape before me, it felt like looking in a mirror.

The reflection was peaceful. Simple. Stripped. With an undercurrent of movement and motion. Hopes rising. And only light where Earth and Sky meet.

Peeling Back the Crust & Beautiful Hidden Things

The water in the ocean was colder today. I think that means summer is drawing to a close with Fall nipping at its heels. I’m leaving the Island in two days, so–that must be true.

Today was also the first day since the hurricane that the ocean looked like its normal self again. No crazy waves. No rip tide. No choppy surface. Just calm and inviting.

I noticed a couple things this weekend though, after the storm.

And really–how curious? providential? that a hurricane blew through here at the end of my stay. People say art mirrors life. And I say, life mirrors nature. At least mine does.

Anyway, I noticed a couple things.

The storm was a wicked storm–not as large as we’ve seen in past years, or quite as devastating–but she was a mean one, that Irene. Dark and brooding, and mean.

When I went to the beach the morning after, there was a two foot drop from the dunes where her waves had dug into the beach and dragged it out to sea. The erosion was so dramatic, it looked as though she had simply cut into it with a fork and eaten it for dinner.

Isn’t that the way it is though?

The storm comes, dark and brooding and mean, and peels back the outer crust, biting chunks out of us, leaving us exposed and scarred.

But. Then the storm passes, the skies clear up, the ocean regains its composure, and the Earth begins replenishing itself. It begins healing itself. And by next summer, you’d never be able to guess the wrath the ocean and sky poured out on our beach last week. The scars will be but faint lines in the sand. (Or skin.)

And you know? As painful as it is, we sometimes need the outer crust to be pulled back. Sometimes the armor and scales need to be chipped away so that the “essential us” can be found.

Another thing I noticed were all the new shells. Our beaches (thanks to the tourists) are usually pretty barren when it comes to shell picking. But when the storm came through, it kicked up the ocean floor and spewed a new collection of seashells onto the shore.

And I saw that sometimes, only a storm can bring you the thing(s) you need/want–new shells, new opportunities, new paths.

It’s in a churning sea that the beautiful hidden things are brought to the surface.

The Beach Throughout the Week

On Monday it looked like this,

and on Tuesday it looked like this.

On Wednesday

and on Thursday,

and then this morning as Hurricane Irene passed us by on her way up north it looked like this.

I brought the video camera along with me to shoot some live footage as well. To you West Coasters, these waves won’t look like anything compared to your Pacific. But for our lazy Atlantic, it was churning a right mighty lot. We only got the shoot off effects of the hurricane as it was a ways off our coast when it passed and never came inland on us directly.

In the video I am standing at the base of the water line which had come all the way up to the sand dunes–there was no beach to speak of–and the waves had littered the whole beach with debris.

My prayers go out to those of you in North Carolina and up the coast. We are so grateful Irene passed us by, but our hearts are with you. I hope you’re all safe.

Untitled from Krista Maurer on Vimeo.

8:26 a.m.

So much of the last year was accomplished with my head down, simply plowing through. Although–the word “plow” is debatable. I suppose it was more of a “clomp.” But that’s neither here nor there.

What I wish to say is that despite the head-down-often-didn’t-brush-my-teeth-till-noon-(or later) life I led, every now and again, the world around me would stop me in my tracks. Would catch my gaze and catch my heart. In truth, they were fleeting moments. But significant bits of hope during the monotony of gray nonetheless.

It was,

the way the light glinted off the lake and settled pink upon the mountain. The way a flower popped, bold and red and open to the world. The way the wind exhaled over my skin–blowing the pulse and breath of life my direction–like a Hale Mary from Mother Nature.

Such moments never fail to render me helpless with a total intoxication of beauty. I am. Temporarily inebriated whilst my senses absorb the colors.

And this morning, as I rounded the corner on my way to the oyster-shelled stairs that lead to the ramp that points to my daily perch, one such moment occurred when the blues and the greens and the yellows of an 8:26 a.m. sun just about knocked me over.

The water was like glass, unbroken, as of yet, by the comings and goings of boats. The air was warm, yes, but with the freshness of a new day. And the birds called down from the trees, buzzing and humming with their songs of salutation.

I opened my lawn chair, happy to be early on this particular morning, and sat. So quiet and so still.

So full of color.

Totally alive and present.

Completely connected to the life around me.


Missing

Things I Miss About Utah When I’m in South Carolina:

1. Frit

2. Sunsets over the mountains & Lake

3. My girls at Church

4. Fry Sauce

5. My super cozy bed, sheets, and pillows

6. My house

7. My space

8. My neighbors/hood

9. Driving up 800 West to get home and passing all the horse pastures & old homes

10. Kneaders fruit tarts (I want one now.)

11. Summer parades (4th of July and Pioneer Day)

Things I Miss About South Carolina When I’m in Utah

1. The ocean

2. Familia

3. The marshes

4. Spanish moss

5. y’all and the drawl

6. The feeling here…there’s a distinct feeling in the Carolina Lowcountry–a slow sweetness. And it’s palpable.

7. Our Church congregation

8. The way the humidity makes my skin so soft and wrinkle-free

9. My tan

10. The trees and greens

11. The seafood. Oh, the seafood.

12. Pop-up thunder storms

Things I Do Not Miss About Utah When I’m in South Carolina

1. Road construction

2. Rude drivers

3. The lack of diversity

Things I Do Not Miss About South Carolina When I’m in Utah

1. The way the humidity forces sweat streams into my eyes and stings them with salt

2. Bugs

3. My bed

4. Tourist traffic

5. The sound of the boat phone ring tone

Daufuskie Day 2011

Pat Conroy described it in his book The Water is Wide. It, he wrote, “is an island off the South Carolina mainland not far from Savannah, Georgia. The island is fringed with the green, undulating marshes of the southern coast; shrimp boats ply the waters around her and fishermen cast their lines along her bountiful shores. Deer cut through her forests in small silent herds. The great southern oaks stand broodingly on her banks. The island and the waters around her team with life. There is something eternal and indestructible about the tide-eroded shores and the dark, threatening silences of the swamps in the heart of the island. [It] is beautiful because man has not yet had time to destroy this beauty.”

Daufuskie is her name. Some say it comes from the Yemassee Indians and means “land with a point.” Others say it’s Gullah for “the first key” north of Savannah. Either way, it is, in many ways, an island lost in time. There is no bridge, still, after all these years, and I doubt there ever will be. The only way to get there is by boat. The preferred mode of transportation around the island is a golf cart and most of the families living there are the descendants of African-American slaves. The Gullah language still drips from the dialect, much like the Spanish Moss that hangs from the trees.

As a child my family carried boat loads of tourists over to Daufuskie Island to ride around in “jungle buses” stopping at the old one-room school house, the 100-year-old Baptist church, the Bloody Point beach, and other sites of historical interest. The ladies who lived there would prepare a delicious South-island lunch and Miss Bertha would save me extra cornbread–which I ate, wrapped up in the folds of her lap. The highlight though, was always the deviled crabs–a divine delicacy passed on through generations of women. I still have yet to find its equal.

This weekend I accompanied my dad to Daufuskie for the first time in years. It was the annual Daufuskie Day festival–a day to celebrate the heritage, traditions, and lifestyle of the island.

Local families were set up with their tents and tables selling their wares, fresh produce and sea island cuisine–lowcountry boil (whole crabs, shrimp, corn, potatoes, and sausage boiled up with seasonings), jerk chicken and ribs, fresh peach and blueberry pies, and deviled crab of course.

I stopped by to kiss Miss Ellamae, who I haven’t seen in some twenty-five years and she gave me an extra crab just for doing so. (Score!)

The Reverend played his saxophone for a while and then some of the girls taught everyone how to slide dance.

Despite the fact that I was the only white girl around, and despite the fact that they were dying laughing at me, I finally joined in to learn. I just could keep still any longer! (Cuz you know I’m a dancer in my heart.)

It was just my kind of event. Delicious local food. Music. Local art. And atmosphere. But the people–that’s what made it. I’ve always loved the people of Daufuskie.

At the end of the day, I bought a chunk of watermelon for a buck and sat down underneath a palmetto tree. I leaned against the trunk and started in on the sweetest melon I think I’ve ever tasted. I couldn’t help but smile as the juice dribbled down my chin, down my arms, and down my shirt as I spat the seeds into the dirt beside me.

This, is life, I thought to myself.

I looked out over the marsh through a frame of Spanish moss, beach music playing in the background and closed my eyes as the scent of boiling shrimp and bar-b-que lingered on the steamy breeze. Sweat pooled on my upper lip and dripped from my hair. Yes–this, is southern island life.

My New Digs

By the end of the day I’m wiped. The work is by no means strenuous, but dang, is it HOT. The sun sucks every little ounce of energy out of me and when the whistle blows all I want is foodshowerbed. Or showerfoodbed. Either way. But how can I complain with a view like this?

Straight ahead:

To the left:

To the right:

On Saturday, I crewed for dad on the Dolphin Watch Nature Cruise.

I’ll admit, the first couple days I felt a little disoriented. I missed my house, and my room, and my Frit, and my life. I still feel like I’m getting my bearings but I can feel myself falling into a more regular pace. And it really is a paradise here. This piece of Earth is good for me.

I’m Coming

It took weeks to finally decide. And countless drafts of a never-ending pros and cons list. But add a little prayer and a half-baked fast and you’ll find you have a decision made.

And right is the decision I’ve made.

In one week, I’ll be leaving Utah. I have decided to move back to South Carolina.

For the summer.

My dad offered me a job and I accepted. It’s the job I did in high school and I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t say that, at first, I felt like a complete loser. What do I do, you ask? Oh, I’m 32, single, “jobless,” and moving home. (ohmygosh I hate typing all that.) I also wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t say that the thought of moving back into my parents house may have freaked me out just a little. I mean, I left for college 14 years ago and haven’t lived there for any longer than a week (at the most) of vacation since 2000. i.e. The entirety of my adult life has been somewhat defined by a skyhigh level independence and a large degree of solitude. i.e. How does one “go home” (for an extended period of time) but not move backwards in one’s life?

But.

On the other hand.

It feels right to go. And so I go.

How grateful I am for parents who (despite dad’s best Bill Cosby threats that once we left we were never coming back) would allow me to come home (he’s such a softie). And how grateful I am that there’s a home to go home to.

And really–when else in my life could I just up and take three months to go live at the beach doing a job a 16-year-old could do? I’ve wished since college that I could shirk some of the responsibility of grown-up life and just be free. Now’s my chance. I’ve also always regretted not taking more advantage of the beautiful place I grew up in when I was in it. Now I can.

And ultimately, I can’t deny the healing balm the ocean is to me. My soul is not unlike the dry, cracked desert I live in right now. It needs water. Lots and lots of water.

One summer on an island it is then.

And so.

I plan to …

Not plan.

Work on the docks all day, everyday.

Ride my bike everywhere.

Eat plates and plates of seafood.

Take in as many sunrises and sunsets as possible.

Learn to run.

Explore.

Write.

Heal.

Oh hello summer. I’m coming.

Oh, The Places You’ll Go. Oh, The Places I’ve Been.

When I was at home over the Christmas holiday, I began digging through boxes and drawers and browsing the shelves of my old room. Not much has changed since I lived there twelve years ago, which is one of the things I love about my mom. Our rooms are still our rooms and remain “as they were” when we three girls lived in them, although she has commandeered part of my room to use for furniture storage.

My swimming trophies and Care Bears still line the top shelf, my toe shoes on the shelf just below. My desk drawers are filled with the notes and letters of my adolescence, yellowed newspaper clippings and office supplies (I had an addiction even then). My jewelry box is still stuffed with handmade earrings, covered in gems and jewels, too big and neon for anyone’s good–a collection even Cyndi Lauper would envy. On the wall is the plaque I received for the highest academic average in AP History my senior year. And next to that is the plaque for the 1997 Citizenship Award from Hilton Head Preparatory. Behind my dresser is my art portfolio with every painting, pencil sketch, and pastel drawing since my first art class at age 8. Just outside my door are my awards for completing all four years of early-morning Seminary with 100% attendance. And next to those, framed in gold, is my acceptance letter to BYU.  To the right of my bed is the nightstand that held my bubble-gum pink stereo, the stereo on which I would record radio shows onto cassette tapes so I could play and replay my favorite songs.

In fact I remember one morning. It was about 5:30 a.m. and I was getting ready for Seminary. I had the radio dialed in to the country station because although I’d not liked country music until then, Carlton Elliott (who I had a big fat crush on) liked country music and I needed something to talk to him about, so I forced myself to listen to it until I did (ay ya yai, the things we do when we’re 15 and like a boy!). So anyways, it was about 5:30 a.m. and the song “Please Don’t Take the Girl” by Tim McGraw came on for the first time and my tender 15-year-old heart couldn’t take it. I sat at the edge of my bed, my dim lamp barely making a dent in the dark of morning, crying my little eyes out over that three-and-a-half minute love story, willing God (right along with Tim) to not “take the girl.”

To the left of my bed sit my “missionary shoes,” duct taped and superglued, with holes in the soles and only half a heel left on each shoe. And sitting beside the  shoes, stacked in chronological order, are my yearbooks.

I was never “popular” by any means. At least not after 6th grade when Adam Schwartz and I broke up. We’d been “the” couple ever since 4th grade, and with that came some measure of popularity. Actually, come to think of it, it was Brian Hollingsworth who called “on behalf of Adam” to ask if I wanted to “go out” with him. Mind you we never talked to each other, let alone “went out” anywhere, at least not that first year. But like I said, I wasn’t “popular” in the traditional I’m-ultra-cool-and-everyone-wants-to-be-like-me way. But I was friendly and I knew everyone. And everyone knew me. (Is that a correct assessment Meghan? I think you’re the only person from grade/high school that reads my blog.)

So anyways, over Christmas I spent the better part of an afternoon flipping the pages of each book. Scanning the faces. Reliving memories I’d almost forgotten. Remembering friends, and boys I was certain I “loved.” Feeling the flood of emotion that inevitably comes when you swim through any sort of reminiscense. Thinking about who I was. And who I am. Where I’ve been. And where I’m going.

I could see my personality taking shape even in my round 10-year-old face. I could see my life path being laid with every accomplishment and honor of high school. And I could see the truth in the scripture, wherein God says, “Verily, verily, I say unto thee, blessed art thou for what thou hast done; for thou hast inquired of me, and behold, as often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instruction of my Spirit. If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou art at this time.”

I need to get back to that place. That place where I inquired more. Where I counseled more with the heavens. Because if I’m going to get where I’m going, I need that instruction. I need that guidance. I need the assurance that I’m in the right place at the right time today, so that tomorrow I can say the same.

***

This photo is for you Meghan. I do love it so. A seriously fantastic signature. Definitely the most creative one from 6th grade. :)

My Island Home

I come from an enchanted island, and thus had an enchanting childhood. Surrounded by the Atlantic and kept from the mainland only by a wildlife refuge and a pair of bridges, it was a place I clamored to escape as a teenager. But now, with my rearview in focus, I see the dream-world I grew up in.

Come. Sit with me … you in your rocking chair and I in mine, and I will tell you of these dreams over a tall glass of lemonade. Close your eyes. Drink the heat. A symphony of crickets and frogs will serenade, and these stories of oceans and skies will rest between us like the glistening air on your skin.

***

I am five. Maybe six. Sunbeams stream through a canopy of oaks kissing everything golden. My bony legs step lightly on the dusty path, fighting the urge to run. I don’t like getting dirt in my shoes. The dock is behind me and the red barn as tall as the pines surrounding just ahead. I look down at my left elbow and run my fingers gently over a little brown birthmark. It reminds me of her, and her name. Again I fight the urge to run. I know she is waiting.

Big, and black, and beautiful, with a lap you could get lost in, Bertha is there just like she always is with my special plate. The same plate she always sets aside just for me. Extra cornbread. She knows it’s my favorite. I eat every crumb. There in the bigness, and safety, of her lap.

***

I am eleven. Leah is my best friend because we both love to paint. Today we decide to sneak through the fence and explore under the bridge. The woods don’t seem as treacherous now that we’re eleven. Tiny drops of sweat trickle down the middle of my back. Finally we make it to the bridge and the water passes in and out over our toes.

All afternoon we pace up and down the shore, combing the broken oysters for jewels. We laugh, and talk the way only eleven-year-old girls can. The world speeds by in cars overhead and time wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for our stomachs. Dinner will be ready soon, so with sun-pinkened noses we head for home. Running fast, holding tight to my treasures, this has been the best day of the summer. I have a jar full of shark teeth and mermaid fingernails.

***

I am twenty-one. Standing beside my dad. We’re on Bertha’s island again – but she’s not here anymore. I secretly wish for her cornbread. Behind us streams the chatter and laughter from the barn. This place is a novelty to them, the tourists. An island lost in time. But for us … it’s the essence of our home.

Flaming orange, the sun shoots blazing pink heat across the sky as it disappears into the sea. Seagulls fly overhead and a pair of dolphin swim lazily in the Sound. Fiddler crabs scurry underneath a warped dock and to our left an oak tree dripping with Spanish Moss reaches her bony fingers out over the marsh.

“This is what you’ll miss when you’re gone,” he finally says.

He was right.

Tell me: What memories do you have of your home or childhood?

+++

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