At Home

I lifted the window shade and looked down. From the bright blue sky I could see the straight street blocks of the city below. We circled for landing and then I could see the familiar swirls of salt, algae and mud in the great lake that sits beside that very city. And off in the distance I could see the big, white “B” painted on the mountain beside my home.

Home?

Wasn’t I just there?

Yes. It’s true. Not more than 48 hours ago, I was sitting on a lawn chair while sea water slapped the dock below me, the wet air settling on my skin as subtly as the flood from a fire hose. At home.

But here I was, getting off the plane and I couldn’t find my phone fast enough. “I’M HERE!!”

She came rolling up to the curb and I couldn’t squeeze her tight enough. “Welcome home!”

We stopped for lunch and she asked, “Do you want to go in to eat or just go through the drive through?”

“Drive through please.”

I couldn’t get home fast enough.

It seemed like I’d never left, and yet I’d been gone nearly two months.

There we sat, side by side, on the blue denim couch, with our feet propped up, the blinds wide open, and the light pouring in. Sandwiches on the plates in front of us, fruit tarts in hand.

Everything smelled the same, tasted the same, felt the same.

Here at home.

Daufuskie Day 2011

Pat Conroy described it in his book The Water is Wide. It, he wrote, “is an island off the South Carolina mainland not far from Savannah, Georgia. The island is fringed with the green, undulating marshes of the southern coast; shrimp boats ply the waters around her and fishermen cast their lines along her bountiful shores. Deer cut through her forests in small silent herds. The great southern oaks stand broodingly on her banks. The island and the waters around her team with life. There is something eternal and indestructible about the tide-eroded shores and the dark, threatening silences of the swamps in the heart of the island. [It] is beautiful because man has not yet had time to destroy this beauty.”

Daufuskie is her name. Some say it comes from the Yemassee Indians and means “land with a point.” Others say it’s Gullah for “the first key” north of Savannah. Either way, it is, in many ways, an island lost in time. There is no bridge, still, after all these years, and I doubt there ever will be. The only way to get there is by boat. The preferred mode of transportation around the island is a golf cart and most of the families living there are the descendants of African-American slaves. The Gullah language still drips from the dialect, much like the Spanish Moss that hangs from the trees.

As a child my family carried boat loads of tourists over to Daufuskie Island to ride around in “jungle buses” stopping at the old one-room school house, the 100-year-old Baptist church, the Bloody Point beach, and other sites of historical interest. The ladies who lived there would prepare a delicious South-island lunch and Miss Bertha would save me extra cornbread–which I ate, wrapped up in the folds of her lap. The highlight though, was always the deviled crabs–a divine delicacy passed on through generations of women. I still have yet to find its equal.

This weekend I accompanied my dad to Daufuskie for the first time in years. It was the annual Daufuskie Day festival–a day to celebrate the heritage, traditions, and lifestyle of the island.

Local families were set up with their tents and tables selling their wares, fresh produce and sea island cuisine–lowcountry boil (whole crabs, shrimp, corn, potatoes, and sausage boiled up with seasonings), jerk chicken and ribs, fresh peach and blueberry pies, and deviled crab of course.

I stopped by to kiss Miss Ellamae, who I haven’t seen in some twenty-five years and she gave me an extra crab just for doing so. (Score!)

The Reverend played his saxophone for a while and then some of the girls taught everyone how to slide dance.

Despite the fact that I was the only white girl around, and despite the fact that they were dying laughing at me, I finally joined in to learn. I just could keep still any longer! (Cuz you know I’m a dancer in my heart.)

It was just my kind of event. Delicious local food. Music. Local art. And atmosphere. But the people–that’s what made it. I’ve always loved the people of Daufuskie.

At the end of the day, I bought a chunk of watermelon for a buck and sat down underneath a palmetto tree. I leaned against the trunk and started in on the sweetest melon I think I’ve ever tasted. I couldn’t help but smile as the juice dribbled down my chin, down my arms, and down my shirt as I spat the seeds into the dirt beside me.

This, is life, I thought to myself.

I looked out over the marsh through a frame of Spanish moss, beach music playing in the background and closed my eyes as the scent of boiling shrimp and bar-b-que lingered on the steamy breeze. Sweat pooled on my upper lip and dripped from my hair. Yes–this, is southern island life.

I’m Coming

It took weeks to finally decide. And countless drafts of a never-ending pros and cons list. But add a little prayer and a half-baked fast and you’ll find you have a decision made.

And right is the decision I’ve made.

In one week, I’ll be leaving Utah. I have decided to move back to South Carolina.

For the summer.

My dad offered me a job and I accepted. It’s the job I did in high school and I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t say that, at first, I felt like a complete loser. What do I do, you ask? Oh, I’m 32, single, “jobless,” and moving home. (ohmygosh I hate typing all that.) I also wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t say that the thought of moving back into my parents house may have freaked me out just a little. I mean, I left for college 14 years ago and haven’t lived there for any longer than a week (at the most) of vacation since 2000. i.e. The entirety of my adult life has been somewhat defined by a skyhigh level independence and a large degree of solitude. i.e. How does one “go home” (for an extended period of time) but not move backwards in one’s life?

But.

On the other hand.

It feels right to go. And so I go.

How grateful I am for parents who (despite dad’s best Bill Cosby threats that once we left we were never coming back) would allow me to come home (he’s such a softie). And how grateful I am that there’s a home to go home to.

And really–when else in my life could I just up and take three months to go live at the beach doing a job a 16-year-old could do? I’ve wished since college that I could shirk some of the responsibility of grown-up life and just be free. Now’s my chance. I’ve also always regretted not taking more advantage of the beautiful place I grew up in when I was in it. Now I can.

And ultimately, I can’t deny the healing balm the ocean is to me. My soul is not unlike the dry, cracked desert I live in right now. It needs water. Lots and lots of water.

One summer on an island it is then.

And so.

I plan to …

Not plan.

Work on the docks all day, everyday.

Ride my bike everywhere.

Eat plates and plates of seafood.

Take in as many sunrises and sunsets as possible.

Learn to run.

Explore.

Write.

Heal.

Oh hello summer. I’m coming.

Oh, The Places You’ll Go. Oh, The Places I’ve Been.

When I was at home over the Christmas holiday, I began digging through boxes and drawers and browsing the shelves of my old room. Not much has changed since I lived there twelve years ago, which is one of the things I love about my mom. Our rooms are still our rooms and remain “as they were” when we three girls lived in them, although she has commandeered part of my room to use for furniture storage.

My swimming trophies and Care Bears still line the top shelf, my toe shoes on the shelf just below. My desk drawers are filled with the notes and letters of my adolescence, yellowed newspaper clippings and office supplies (I had an addiction even then). My jewelry box is still stuffed with handmade earrings, covered in gems and jewels, too big and neon for anyone’s good–a collection even Cyndi Lauper would envy. On the wall is the plaque I received for the highest academic average in AP History my senior year. And next to that is the plaque for the 1997 Citizenship Award from Hilton Head Preparatory. Behind my dresser is my art portfolio with every painting, pencil sketch, and pastel drawing since my first art class at age 8. Just outside my door are my awards for completing all four years of early-morning Seminary with 100% attendance. And next to those, framed in gold, is my acceptance letter to BYU.  To the right of my bed is the nightstand that held my bubble-gum pink stereo, the stereo on which I would record radio shows onto cassette tapes so I could play and replay my favorite songs.

In fact I remember one morning. It was about 5:30 a.m. and I was getting ready for Seminary. I had the radio dialed in to the country station because although I’d not liked country music until then, Carlton Elliott (who I had a big fat crush on) liked country music and I needed something to talk to him about, so I forced myself to listen to it until I did (ay ya yai, the things we do when we’re 15 and like a boy!). So anyways, it was about 5:30 a.m. and the song “Please Don’t Take the Girl” by Tim McGraw came on for the first time and my tender 15-year-old heart couldn’t take it. I sat at the edge of my bed, my dim lamp barely making a dent in the dark of morning, crying my little eyes out over that three-and-a-half minute love story, willing God (right along with Tim) to not “take the girl.”

To the left of my bed sit my “missionary shoes,” duct taped and superglued, with holes in the soles and only half a heel left on each shoe. And sitting beside the  shoes, stacked in chronological order, are my yearbooks.

I was never “popular” by any means. At least not after 6th grade when Adam Schwartz and I broke up. We’d been “the” couple ever since 4th grade, and with that came some measure of popularity. Actually, come to think of it, it was Brian Hollingsworth who called “on behalf of Adam” to ask if I wanted to “go out” with him. Mind you we never talked to each other, let alone “went out” anywhere, at least not that first year. But like I said, I wasn’t “popular” in the traditional I’m-ultra-cool-and-everyone-wants-to-be-like-me way. But I was friendly and I knew everyone. And everyone knew me. (Is that a correct assessment Meghan? I think you’re the only person from grade/high school that reads my blog.)

So anyways, over Christmas I spent the better part of an afternoon flipping the pages of each book. Scanning the faces. Reliving memories I’d almost forgotten. Remembering friends, and boys I was certain I “loved.” Feeling the flood of emotion that inevitably comes when you swim through any sort of reminiscense. Thinking about who I was. And who I am. Where I’ve been. And where I’m going.

I could see my personality taking shape even in my round 10-year-old face. I could see my life path being laid with every accomplishment and honor of high school. And I could see the truth in the scripture, wherein God says, “Verily, verily, I say unto thee, blessed art thou for what thou hast done; for thou hast inquired of me, and behold, as often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instruction of my Spirit. If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou art at this time.”

I need to get back to that place. That place where I inquired more. Where I counseled more with the heavens. Because if I’m going to get where I’m going, I need that instruction. I need that guidance. I need the assurance that I’m in the right place at the right time today, so that tomorrow I can say the same.

***

This photo is for you Meghan. I do love it so. A seriously fantastic signature. Definitely the most creative one from 6th grade. :)

The Family Biz

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If you’ve been following happenings here at the Haystack for any amount of time, you know that I come from the ocean, adore the ocean, wish I was at the ocean, and will live by the ocean again someday. You see, I grew up on an island off the coast of South Carolina. But more than that, I was raised on the docks of this island off the coast of South Carolina.

My formative years (and then some) were spent working in the family business, also know as: Adventure Cruises (Hilton Head Island’s premier nature cruise and dolphin watch company). Even while I was swimming in my mother’s belly, she was on the deck of a boat–working. Once born she would strap me on her back and off on a cruise I would go, babbling at tourists, growing my sea legs. There was even a cradle in the engine room just for me where I would fall asleep to the gentle rocking of waves and the hum of machinery.

Once old enough, I became part of my dad’s crew, tying and untying the lines, running the snack bar, welcoming our passengers. During my teenage years, when I became opposed to the idea of sweaty work, I ran the office, answering phones, taking reservations and selling tickets, but (much to my chagrin) was still the pinch hitter if a deck hand didn’t show for work. Like most teenagers, I didn’t know what I had, even though it was right in front of me.

It wasn’t until college that I understood how dreamy my life was. It wasn’t until I became an adult that I began to cherish those hours in the wheelhouse with my dad. It wasn’t until recently that I began to fiercely crave the tidal flow of our marshy waterways with all her colors and critters and sounds and stirrings. And the craving only grows more intense with every passing year.

So when I was home last month for “Wedding Week“, a cruise on our boat was a must. And what a better way to meet our new brother-in-law’s family than on a sunset cruise?

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(My dad, the Captain, in the wheelhouse)

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(Karly & JJ enjoying the view from the top deck)

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(Dolphin, Starboard bow)

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(Julie, Me, and Baby Kayc Face)

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(Picnic dinner … Southern style)

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(Sunset through the Palmetto trees)

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(Harbour in Broad Creek)

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(JJ’s grandma and my mom)

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(Final moments of a fabulous sunset)

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(Harbour lights after cruise)

[sigh]

Longing

I just got back from a four-day weekend of playing and hiking in the red desert of Utah.


It’s always a joy to be “away.” Away from responsibilities. Away from work. Away from the monotony of normal, daily life. But …


… it’s always nice to “come home” too.


Home. I suppose that’s what this is. I suppose that’s where I am. In a lovely little house, in a lovely little neighborhood, in a lovely little town (with very lovely neighbors I might add), in the middle of a parched valley shrouded by towering mountains. Three-thousand miles from what used to be home.


And yet, when I go home, to my old home that is, I say things like, “Remind me to pick up some grits to take with me when I go back home to Utah.” (Back home to Utah?) Or I find myself peering out the tiny window of the airplane as we make our descent in over the Lake, and I feel a sense of …


… of …


… “belonging” isn’t the right word. Nor is it “excitement.” It’s not “relief”–but it is. Kind of. A sort of “peaceful relief” knowing this is where I’m supposed to be. Not there. That this is home. For now.


But still. While I know the desert has her own majestic beauty, and while I know the mountains are muse to many, and while I relish the view from her peaks and marvel at her colors below, it is still the sea, and only the sea, that speaks to me. Way down in my bones. It is the ocean that quenches my thirst and brings me back to life. Oh, what I wouldn’t give right now to sink my toes into her cool wet sand as the waves dance around me.


So here I sit–like a fly on a screen. A girl with two homes. Longing for the one when surrounded by the other.

Sanctuary

Tonight, beneath a waxing crescent, the frigid air swirls, hardening the ever callous desert in which I live. But I? I retreat deeper into downy pillows and feathery blankets, buttoned up tight in lambs wool and fleece, sipping chamomile tea, and dreaming of …

… Home, and all her warm, soft, lazy ways.*

“In the South, perhaps more than any other region, we go back to our home in dreams and memories, hoping it remains what it was on a lazy, still summer’s day twenty years ago.”
-Willie Morris

“In the South, the breeze blows softer … neighbors are friendlier, nosier, and more talkative. (By contrast with the Yankee, the Southerner never uses one word when ten or twenty will do)…This is a different place. Our way of thinking is different, as are our ways of seeing, laughing, singing, eating, meeting and parting. Our walk is different, as the old song goes, our talk and our names. Nothing about us is quite the same as in the country to the north and west. What we carry in our memories is different too, and that may explain everything else.”
-Charles Kuralt, Southerners: Portrait of a People

“Even if they’ve moved away, most people who grew up in the South still consider themselves Southern.”
-Lillian Hellman

“The Palmetto State (South Carolina), is renowned as being a perfect, exclusively southern area filled with smiling faces, beautiful places, and the sweetest and most charming girls in the country.”
-The New York Times

*video courtesy of Lorilee Q. Maurer (a.k.a Mama)

At The Ocean’s Edge

The air was filled with the familiar scents of my youth–the sweet stench of oyster beds and marsh mud laced with salt water.
The sun was high and bright, and as I emerged from the shadows of the sidewalk awnings, the light hit my face, my head involuntary tilting back so that every curve and angle of my face had full advantage of the warmth. My eyes closed and I took a breath so deep it felt like my lungs were in my toes. Within moments, I could feel the yellow rays seeping into my pores, probing past my skin, reaching through my muscles, and settling into my core.
For when the sun calls, my soul responds.

And the sky. The sky was …

Cloudless.
A perfect blue.
The kind of blue I dream in.

I’ve walked those docks a million times. They were an extension of home. In fact, during the stifling months of summer, I often spent more time there, at the ocean’s edge, than I did inside our four humble walls on Indian Trail. I grew up living a life others envy. An island girl with a captain for a dad. And today, as I visited this truly, enchanting place, the nethermost regions of my soul came alive.

As soon as I placed one foot on the deck, my body instinctively knew how to respond to the gentle rocking of boat in water as waves lapped against the hull. I was like a baby in a cradle. Fitting, seeing that as a baby, my mother would put me in the cradle she kept in the engine room while she and my dad greeted tourists and showed them the dream world we lived in. And there I would sleep, rocking back and forth, back and forth, as we cruised down the sound. To this day, there is nothing, not even a Zambian, that can carry me off to golden slumbers like the roar of those Twin Cummins NT8 55 diesel engines.

And so the tour begins …
“Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and welcome aboard the Holiday. She is safe, sturdy and comfortable, so everyone please sit back, relax and enjoy the cruise. We’re certainly glad everyone could join us for today’s dolphin watch nature tour. I’d like to introduce your crew to you, my name is Captain Mark of Hilton Head Island …”

My sisters and I have Dad’s entire narration memorized by heart. We recite it sometimes, and laugh at its predictability. But sometimes, when I am alone in the desert I now call home, I recite it just so I don’t feel so far away. I recite it so I don’t forget where I come from. So I don’t forget the things I know.

For because of this childhood education, between shrimp boats and slip knots, I can point out a great blue heron, a snowy egret, and a white ibis. I know the average wingspan of a brown pelican and can tell whether the tide is ebbing or flooding. I know when to harvest oysters and can cast a shrimp net with ease. I know how to catch crabs, sand dollars, and starfish. I know my port from my starboard and my bow from my stern. I know which “rope” is the spring line and how many species of shark live in our waters. I know how many acres of saltwater marshes exist in South Carolina and no matter how many times I’ve seen a dolphin surface, I’m always filled with scintillating awe.
After two hours cruising the creek and searching the sound, it was over. All too soon.
In so many ways, my day on the water in this land of perfect charm was … perfect.
It did me good to drink the sun and fill my belly with the lowcountry.
And it does me good to share with you this place from which I come.
Perhaps I’ll share more tomorow. Yes, quite.


(Shelter Cove Harbour, Hilton Head Island)