Recently I was having a conversation with a friend’s husband. It was a normal conversation, mostly just pleasantries and such. When all of a sudden … he went there.

“I just don’t understand why you and Kim* are still single!” he said.

And in my head, I thought: Oh geez. Someone please rescue from this conversation. 

But out of my mouth came: [pleasant smile] “Oh thanks. [haha] We don’t either. [haha] We think we’re pretty great.”

Seriously is there no one here willing to excuse me from this unbearable moment in time to show me the coat closet? Or a wall? Or shoot me? Any of those options is perfectly acceptable at this point.

But he didn’t stop there. He kept going. “You know my wife and I were actually talking the other night and we decided that if she died, I would marry one of you.”

[silence]

And out of my mouth came: [very uncomfortable chuckle] “Oh, okay. Well. Thanks.”

But in my head I thought four things simultaneously:

1) Did he seriously just say that? No really. Did he actually say those words out loud?

2) Sweet! Because we’re just waiting around for our friends to kick the bucket so we can snatch up their widower husbands! 

3) I wouldn’t date you if you weren’t married, or had never been married, or were a widower, or anything. So not my type. 

4) WHAT THE FREAKING CRAP?!?!?!?!?!

And then I walked away. Because really. What was I supposed to say, or do, at that point?

I mean, really.

Really?

As a sidenote: I have had girlfriends tell me that they’ve given permission to their husbands to marry me if they died. And while that’s certainly morbid, it’s, for some reason, not weird coming from your girlfriend. In fact it’s flattering, kind of. Like, you’re the only woman in the world that she would trust to raise her children, have sex with their husband, and not haunt until the end of time.

Yes. These are the conversations that 30-something single women have to have.

You so wish you had this life, don’t you?

Just imagine the day you have to start thinking about freezing your eggs.

Not kidding.

*Kim = Frit. They are one in the same.