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The Dating Situation, As of Late

Frit‘s not really a crier. Me? Oh, I’m a big-time bawler. In fact, have you seen Kristen Bell’s sloth meltdown on Ellen? (If you haven’t, you must.) Because I really understand her. We’re soul-sisters, me and Kristen. Kindred spirits. But if her “good zone” is between 3 and 7, mine is more like 4 to 5–at least that’s what Frit tells me.

So the other night, I went into her room (Frit’s, not Kristen Bell) and crawled up on the bed (it’s really high, you kind of have to hoist) and I was a little teary. And though I’m sure she would’ve rathered ignore me, she asked what the matter was. Such a good best friend, that one is.

Now, you have to know that earlier in the day we had run into some friends of ours at the store. We didn’t see them initially, but the wife saw me and grabbed me and said she’d heard that one of us was engaged.

Now this “news” that one of us is engaged is a rumor that has been circulating among the more nosy members of our Church congregation lately. Well, at least I call it “nosy.” Frit’s a lot more forgiving. But regardless of whether it’s nosy or sincere interest in our lives and “well-being” (not), it’s a false rumor.

And so I set out to tell this woman that it was not true. No one in our house was engaged. No one was even seriously dating anyone. When Frit joined the conversation, the wife retold the story, looked at Frit and said, “And well we knew it wasn’t you, so we just assumed it was Krista.”

Uhhhhh … okay? What does that even mean? “We knew it wasn’t you.” ??? As if the idea of Frit being engaged was impossible?

Now you also need to know that this conversation happened just days after someone ELSE told Frit that they worried she’d never get married because they had determined that she couldn’t open her heart.

(Even just the thought of that right there makes me swear a long string of expletives in my head. Who do these people think they are?)

And so, the other night, I found myself sitting on her bed.

Crying.

For her.

Which, truth be told, only made her laugh. Which is generally how it goes ’round these parts. (Watch that sloth video again from time stamp 3:02 and you’ll see. Frit’s Ellen. I’m Kristen. No lie, that’s exactly what it’s like between us.)

But anyway, Frit’s not one to take anything too personally. She never internalizes or worries. She mostly just laughs. While I, on the other hand, well … I told you. My “good zone” is between a 4 and a 5.

But really. Someone needed to cry about it!

And so I did. I wept for my friend. Because honestly, it’s hard enough to have enough faith on your own at this age that love and marriage will eventually happen. We don’t need doubters or their stupid commentary.

Well. After Frit stopped laughing and I stopped crying, we had a pretty great time recounting all the dating situations we’ve encountered lately. Seriously. This whole thing (i.e. dating at this age and in this place) is ridiculous.

And I thought you might enjoy reading the highlights (I realize this post is getting long, but I promise these stories are worth it):

1.  A couple months ago, we were both back to trying the online dating thing and Frit was matched with a guy who wanted to talk on the phone. Now, not only is Frit not a crier, she’s not a phone talker–at least not for periods longer than 20 minutes. But obviously, it’s helpful to have a phone conversation between the initial emailing and the possible meet-up. So she gave him her number. And he called. And he talked. And he talked. And then he talked some more. About himself. The whole time. And she told him she needed to go. And that her battery was going to die. And still … he talked. And so finally. She just hung up. Mid-conversation. Mid-sentence. Just … hung up on him. And that was the end of that. (This story makes me laugh so hard every time I think about it!)

2.  Now on this dating site, you can browse around through the catalog of singles and if you see one you like, you can either send them an email or a “flirt.” Yes. A “flirt.” There is an actual list of actions, I guess you could call them, such as a wave or a wink or a sign that says “you’re cute,” that essentially equate to virtual flirting from across the room. And honestly, I can’t even believe I’m typing this. Because the whole thing is so ridiculous … As if it’s even possible to flirt virtually! … two avatars acting out some supposed fling. It’s so bizarre to me. Good grief. And I rarely respond to flirts. I mean, I think, if you want to get to know me, send me an email. Ask me a damn question, for crying out loud. But anyway, I got a flirt recently. And the sender? He blew me a kiss. Really? Like, for REAL real? Because … you would do that in real life? You’d actually see a girl you want to get to know and you’d blow her a kiss and expect her to … what?

3.  I also got an email, through the dating site, from a guy that said the following:

WELLL UMM
Im Kyle
Im bad a telling but better at answering
I go to school full time and I work part time teaching people to drive

And I am not kidding. I did not delete any punctuation or any portion of his email. I also did not embellish it in any way. That is a straight copy and paste from his initial attempt to contact me. And all I could think was, Seriously? This is one of my options?

4.  Speaking of initial contact online … Frit got the following first email from a new match (a complete stranger) on Valentine’s day:

Just felt inspired to drop you a note and wish you Love and Light on this day of Love, Hearts, and Lovers.

May you find love in your heart for all of the wonderful people, relationships, and beauty in your life. It’s apparent you live in such a way that you give back more than you can see that receive in this life… I feel also to share that you have so much love building and building for you. You welcome some of it now, but there is so much more awaiting you. You will receive it when the time is right. Keep giving…keep loving… you receive it all 10-fold (though I can tell that is not your motivation, it IS your reward and promise).

Much happiness to you,
Damon

p.s. sorry if this seems a bit unusual, but like I said, I’ve felt drawn to u. I’ll leave it at that though. The next step is yours.

5.  Another initial message? I got this one a few months ago:

send me a message when your not busy

Well. How about you stick an apostrophe in your conjunction, capitalize the first word in your sentence, and put a period at the end of it. And … while you’re at it, why not take 30 seconds to tell me about yourself or, novel idea, ask me about myself, when you’re not busy.

6.  But enough about first emails, let’s talk first dates. Frit’s had some doozies. There was, of course, the one who brought his son on the date. Aaand okay, it’s not ideal, but we can go with it and try to be accommodating. Unfortunately, the kid was a holy terror and her date ended up chasing him around the whole time.

Or there was the first date whose initial question as he sat across the dinner table was: “So. What’s your dealio?” Ha! Ummm … well. I think the real question here is, What’s your dealio?

Or there was the time one of her first dates got a call in the middle of ice-cream and had to leave to go pick up his child because his ex-wife didn’t want to watch him anymore. Or, speaking of ex-wives, there was the time when her date canceled because he had been put in jail—by his ex-wife.

7.  But what about profile names? Here are three of my favorites:

a. whazupwidu3, b. iloveitwhenyacallmebigpapa, c. krazybone

Again I ask: Seriously? And can I just point out the fact that Mr. whazupwidu3 has the number 3 at the end of his? Is there also a whazupwidu1 and whazupwidu2? Does that mean there are three men out there who independently came up with that screen name and thought it was a good idea?

8.  Oh, and how about the time I got this email:

I love the way you look! I realize the age-gap’s too wide, but, hey, a guy can dream can’t he?…I’m just sayin’.

How old was he? Oh, he was 61. 61! Why? Why? Wwhhyyyy? do I actually pay for this?

9.  I’m almost done, I promise. But I can’t wrap this up without sharing the following email exchange I had with a guy who sent me multiple “flirts” initially:

I write: Hi, Thanks so much for the flirts … it’s flattering. But I’m just not much of an online flirt kind of a girl (I don’t know why it seems weird to me). If you’d like to get to know me better, feel free to send an email. I’d enjoy getting to know you. Hope you’re having a great day! Krista

He writes: Hi Krista!, my names Scott, this internet dating is very weird I agree, its been a wonderful morning. The days not over yet though.

Me (thinking in my head): Okay Kris. Just breathe. Maybe punctuation and coherent sentences aren’t the deal-breaker you think they are.

I write back: This is true. Any fun plans for the weekend?

He writes back: Paintball this morning! , roller derby tonight and a after party.

Me (thinking in my head): Uhhhh … Why is that comma there? And what do I do with this? What does he want me to say? Does he have any questions for me? Okay. Breathe. Just go with it. You have to try, Krista. Just try.

I write back: That’s quite the day!

He writes back: Yea but.it makes for alot of fun too!. At the end of the day ill be exhausted but have had fun all day and can relax next weekend!. Yes it made for a long Saturday, got some sub culture in thanks to brodie I did drag him to the ballet on a double date last week to thiller, good thing Sunday is a day of rest even though there’s still tonz to do.

Me (thinking in my head): Who is brodie? And going to the ballet is “sub culture?” What does that even mean? And what is tonz? I. Can’t. Handle. This. We are so not a match. I’m done.

10.  And finally, speaking of nosy people at Church. A woman who doesn’t even know Frit, except by name, (seriously this woman is essentially a stranger) begins asking her about a guy she’s been dating. Said woman knows about this guy because he’s come to Church with us a few times. And said woman concludes the conversation with, “I just so hope you two would fall in love.” Note to everyone: If we want to talk about our dating life with you, we will bring it up. If we don’t, then we don’t want to talk about it with you. And it’s none of your business anyway. I mean, I don’t ask you how often you and your husband are having sex, or if you’re going to have another baby and when and why not, do I? No, because it’s none of my business.

Having said that, I must say “thank you” to said woman. We hope we fall in love too. And while things don’t currently look too promising, and while people frequently say stupid things, offer stupid advice, and extend stupid consolations to us, we’ve not lost hope. No. We’ve not lost hope. At least that’s what Frit reminds me between my tears.

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20 Comments

  1. Oh. My. Goodness. I so do not miss “that” online dating site. I’m like you. I HATED those stupid flirts. Send me a stinking message. And then there were the ones for whom the site was just a way to pass time, a hobby. They weren’t actually interested in meeting. They just wanted to chit chat online. And you already know how I feel about the grammar issues. I could have written this post.

    p.s. I’ll tell you how often I’m having sex if you really wanna know.

    Love you. xoxoxo

  2. Oh my gosh! I’m laughing so hard I’m crying! Thanks for the chuckle. Like Jacey, I totally love you! (I’m also REALLY paranoid about my grammar and punctuation right now.)

  3. This made me laugh, and cry too that some men can get that far in life being such complete idiots. I honestly don’t even know how they can still be alive. So deeply sorry you have to sift through that mess. Singlehood in mormon Utah is no picnic.

  4. Melissa: Not to worry. :) I’m not a grammar Nazi. Wait … that’s a lie. I am. But I’m not as bad as Jacey. She’s crazy.

  5. Cherie: I greatly appreciate your condolences. You are so spot on … it is no picnic. And oddly, that’s all I want … a picnic on a nice sunny day with a man who can carry on a conversation. :)

  6. And THAT was one of my favorite posts ever! Thanks for the good laugh this morning! :)

  7. Oh my Krista. Laughing hysterical at these messages. Coherent sentences are a deal breaker. Love you!

  8. Can I just tell you that I couldn’t read this blog post on my lunch break because our work software flagged it as “personals and dating” – Hilarious!

  9. Haha Meghan, that cracks me up! I’ll try to be more sensitive to your work software when choosing headlines ;)

  10. Oh. My. Gosh. Favorite post ever. Thank you soooooo much for the laugh. The best was the last one, though. Ok, when I mentioned a long time ago that spelling was not THAT big of a deal…. um…. ya. Well, it shouldn’t be THAT bad. He should not end words with a z when it should be an s. And why all the double punctuation marks? And, well, why does he sound like he’s high on something!? I started crying from laughing so hard when you wrote “Who’s Brody?” So never mind what I said. The person you end up with SHOULD be able to at least string a couple of coherent sentences together. I just didn’t realize it was um… THAT bad. The only thing I can think of to explain it all is that they must all be 18 and only know how to text. That’s the only explanation!! They’ve never actually written an email or letter…. EVER. Oh my goodness gracious. So stinkin’ funny. Love your sense of humor about it all. You need a grown-up man. Hey… maybe the 60 year old…..;) ;)

  11. I love you both and only pray for the best that life has to offer. Whoever said that is….um…an idiot.

  12. oh my, yet another great glimpse into your life..(or brain) I am still laughing kind of sad at the same time…that there are actually women who would say some of those comments. I mean really, you need to either think of a great comeback to “sweetly” put them in their place or else….go with the fun of spreading a rumor with all kind of details and see how far it goes!! as for the internet dating guys…they all sounded like they were full of themselves…but on the bright side, look how you gleened more fodder to write your blog and enrich our lives with laughter…you never disappoint.

  13. Girlfriend, I don’t know you, but oh my WOW, I understand this! Online dating is the most stupid thing ever! I sometimes want to yell at some of the idiots on there, “would it kill you to be even remotely interested in learning about me?!” And I always seem to attract the biggest dorks. I should totally put some of my internet dating stories on my blog. They’re very similar to yours, i can assure you.

  14. Well, if nothing else at least the online dating allows you to sift through the idots who do not even know the difference between your and you’re.

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