On this day ten years ago, I wrote the following in my journal:

I’m a real full time missionary…Sister Maurer. So how are we feeling about that?…pretty good, tired, excited, bewildered, and a little anxious/nervous for the first time since I became a missionary.

I finished at the Missionary Training Center in Utah yesterday and flew to Washington, my assigned service area. I have really felt the Spirit with me and have felt so blessed along this journey so far. Karly, Katie, and Ashley came to the airport to see me off. It was great to see them but it was hard to leave them too. I think it sort of hit me how long 18 months is when you haven’t even made it through one of those months yet. It was the first time so far that I’ve felt a little scared. Scared, just of the unknown, you know?

When I got to WA, President and Sister Stone and the Assistants to the President met us at the airport. It was raining. :) And we were off to training. President and Sister Stone are awesome. President is truly an inspired man. I love him already.

After training, we had a meeting with all the missionaries going home. It was really neat to hear them, and it made me think about what I want out of the next 18 months and made me imagine what I might say when I stand up there to leave. I just don’t know! I just want to be a good missionary. I really want to make a difference in someones life. I just feel right now like I’ll never learn everything! I’m nervous about people liking me. I’m nervous about memorizing all the discussions and following all the rules and remembering what roads go where. I just want to be a good missionary.

I think my problem is that I want to be it all right now–but it’s a process. And with the Lord, I know I can do it. I’m just so thankful for the blessings I have been given that remind me that everything comes from Heavenly Father. He knows the desires and thoughts of my heart and He will help me on this road to becoming a good missionary.

My first area here in WA is Raymond. It’s a small logging community, and I love it. It’s located in the southwest corner of the state near the ocean. There’s a river that runs in front of our apartment and I’m so thankful to be seeing water everyday! :) The other Sisters said it has a bad stench sometimes and we smelled it last night–the thing is that we have the same smell near the marshes back home and I love it! I always put my head out the window back home when I ‘m driving back from college so I can get a whiff of that salty, ocean-marsh scent. Heaven! :) The landscape here is also beautiful. Western Washington is green anyway because of the rain, but especially so here because of all the trees planted for logging.

We went tracting yesterday. I was a little nervous, but I turned out enjoying it. It took me a little while to build up the courage to knock a door and explain our message, but I did it! I’m so excited to go again.

Oh! I haven’t talked about my trainer yet. Her name is Sister Packer and she’s from South Jordan, Utah. She’s just awesome! I’m so grateful that I got a top-notch trainer…someone I can really learn from. The new families and the member families love her and we get along great. I really think we’re going to be successful together.

So that’s it! I’m excited for what lies ahead and the opportunities that are being handed me!

I wish I could say I remember that day like it was yesterday. The truth is, it’s a little fuzzy. I mean, it was ten years ago. Although I do remember that first door. I’m pretty certain that if I ever went back to Raymond I could find it without too much trouble. I remember standing on the porch, taking a deep breath, saying a quick silent prayer, squaring my shoulders, and hoping for the ability to be bold. I knocked and a woman came to the door. I opened my mouth and out came, “Hello! I’m Sister Maurer, this is Sister Packer, and this is Sister Johnston, and we’re missionaries from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We’re in your neighborhood today sharing a message about Jesus Christ and His Church. We know this message is true and that it will bring peace, comfort, and understanding–because it has for us. May we come in and share more with you?”

She said no. (Most people did.) And my heart was pounding as we walked down the steps. But I also remember feeling full and happy, excited, and proud to represent the Savior and my Church. Having the chance to share that message everyday for 18 months was one of the greatest blessings of my life to date (and I’ve received a lot of blessings).

It’s been ten years since I wore that little black name tag on my lapel. I’ve grown and changed. A lot of life has “happened.” I’ve forgotten some things. I’ve relearned some things. And I’ve learned more about other things.

As I’ve reminisced the last couple days about my time in Washington, I’ve found it impossible to not think about who I am now compared to who I was then. Certainly, in many ways I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished and who I’ve become since. But I also know that I have areas of my life and spiritual dedication that need to improve. There are habits I’ve become lax with. The intensity has waned.

I do realize that there is an inherent difference in living a missionary life where my entire focus, 24 hours a day was dedicated to God’s service and a life as a “regular person” where work and relationships and life compete with spiritual pursuits for attention and balance. But I also know that I’m not who I once was in some very important ways. That’s a tough pill to swallow. But it’s the truth. And I think most returned missionaries, will say they often have similar feelings.

But I’m in a place now where I need to remember those things. Where I want to remember those things. Where I want to grow and improve and become who I need to be. For my God. For myself. And for the things He might need me to do. “Becoming” is a lifelong process, I know. But just as I knew as a 21-year-old missionary, green and inexperienced, I know now, “with the Lord, I know I can do it. …He knows the desires and thoughts of my heart and He will help me on this road to becoming …”