Dear Darling [10]

Dear Darling,

It’s been a while. I know. I have no excuse other than trying to find you and trying to make my life work the way it’s supposed to. It takes a lot of time and effort you know … trying to find you and trying to make my life work the way it’s supposed to. It plum tuckers me out, to be totally honest. And actually, that’s sort of what I’d like to talk to you about.

See, I went to a bridal shower a few days ago for a dear friend. For a long time I didn’t go to bridal showers. It was just too hard to go and be happy for someone who had what I wanted. And I don’t know if it’s age or perspective or the consistency of dashed hopes that evens out the emotions, but it’s not that way anymore. No, it wasn’t difficult to be there. Quite the contrary. It was positively lovely–every minute of it. I love her to pieces and I’m so happy for her. She found a gem. But on my way home, as I thought about her and her fella, I began to worry … worry whether or not you exist.

Lately a few people have said to me, “it’s never going to be like how you see it in your head.” Or they’ve said, “there’s no such thing as a perfect match.” First, why do people say things like that? Is it because they’re cynical? Is it because they settled before they found what they were really hoping for? Is it because it’s true? And second, why can’t it be like I see it in my head? Why can’t there be a perfect match? A “perfect match” doesn’t mean both people are perfect. It just means that together they’re perfect. And isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be?

Life and relationships are what you make them. If you want romance (and don’t forget–I do), then you create it.

But … what if I’m wrong? What if I’ve got it all wrong? What if the you I sense, isn’t real? What if you don’t really exist? What if I’m holding out for something that just isn’t possible to find? What if it’s not in my cards for you to find me or for me to find you? What if I’m one of the girls who doesn’t get what she’s hoping for?

And I know–I know I romanticize the mundane. I know I daydream more than I probably ought to.  And I know that things hardly ever work out the way you plan them. Believe me, I know all that. But then I think … but that’s who I am. That’s what I do. I plan and pretend and daydream and imagine. I’m a girl who wants a story … a really good, make-my-heart-flutter, blushed cheek, trembling hand, float on air, can’t sleep at night love story.

So babe. Tonight I really need you to be real. I just need to know that you exist.

xo,

me