Wanting to say. Needing to say.

All the to-dos are accomplished. Bags are packed. Itinerary printed. Security cleared.

And now I wait. For the plane to board. For the group to gather. For the memories, laughter, and tears to mix and flow.

While the reality, and fragility, of life seems to sink in.

All my thoughts seem to epitomize “cliche.” And yet, I still find myself wanting to say, needing to say …

Life is short. Life is precious. Life is a gift. Say I love you. Today. Right now. Hug daily. Forgive quickly. Forget the laundry, and go to lunch with your girlfriends. Get off the phone, get on the floor, and nuzzle your little one. Turn off the TV and talk. Look around. Look up. See the world. See others. Don’t go to bed angry. Don’t wake up late. Do the things you want to do. Go to the places you want to go to. Learn the things you want to learn. Become the person you want to become. Be real. Be truthful. Be great. Don’t waste. Don’t wait.

The Long Week Ahead

… am trying to get life in order before I fly to North Carolina on Thursday for the funeral on Friday.

… am busting into “doer-mode” which is how I cope with things like this.

… am cleaning and organizing and laundry-ing as I hate to go out of town only to come home to clutter and chores.

… am making lists of everything I must remember to do, bring, pack, reserve, print, and buy.

… am needing to take care of a lot of Church assignments and work assignments before I can leave.

… am trying to decide what time to fly out of Nashville on Saturday after the burial in Tennessee.

… am looking forward to stopping in to see my parents on the Island for a few days while I’m that close.

… am so happy to see my girlfriends, but am so sad about the “why” for our get-together.

… am really tired due to a terrible night’s sleep.

… am puffy-eyed.

… am still struggling with the fairness (or lack thereof) of this whole thing.

… am trying to remember the Plan of Life that I believe with all my heart.

… am thankful for all the comments, calls, emails, texts, and Facebook messages. I know Catie’s family is buoyed by the support of both friends and strangers.

… am wanting to share this story, because it makes me smile and laugh which is who Catie was. So here it is, as told by Catie’s husband Steve in an update to her friends last Friday, Feb. 19:

Catie’s breathing tends to worsen at night. We’ve tried various treatments, but none of them seem to have had a great effect. Catie still has no appetite and continues to struggle eating. Her not eating much, not sleeping well, difficultly breathing, along with all the past cancer treatments and the cancer itself, have combined to really take the strength out of her. But she is taking things in stride, and has even said this week several of the funniest things I can remember coming from her. For example, on Wednesday morning we were talking a little about what happened the previous night. [Background: Catie had lost consciousness a few times the night before and struggled much to breathe.] Catie didn’t remember much, but did remember thinking it was her time to pass on. “I guess someone cut in line,” was her explanation for still being here. She also hasn’t lost her smile.

For Catie

[You and your Mary, right after a kiss]

It’s sunny today. I reminds me of that morning when we first met–you and Alison walking on the sidewalk by the dorms. And it reminds me of you. If I had to pick a color that said, “Catie,” it would be  yellow.

I’m still in my pajamas, my hair in a big knotted ball on top of my head. It reminds me of those Friday nights junior year that we’d go to the dollar theater wearing our pajama bottoms and BYU sweatshirts for the midnight movie.

[Me, Alison, You, Mandy, Emily]

Beside me sits my scrapbook from freshman year. I’ve been thumbing through it all morning. Remember the Halloween dance we went to? I went as a mom with curlers, bathrobe, and green mask on my face. Yeah the fellas were all over me, let me tell you. And you went as my baby? You had pigtails, wore an adult onesie, sucked on a pacifier and everything.

[You, Alison, Me, Kassie, Camille]

Oh and remember white trash registration night? :) Why did we do that again? And lyrcra leg fights? Mandy and Em were the champs. And then there was that time we had a Chinese party in my room. Our little group ate $80 worth of Chinese food. And afterwards we lined up the mattresses and did tumbling passes. We definitely came up with the weirdest things to do to pass the time when we were 18. It was so fun though. :) Oh! And our Christmas picture for our families:

[Top to bottom, left to right: Em, Lizzie, Me, Mand, You, Kassie, Camille, Alison]

That was also the Christmas we all put out “barf bags” just outside our dorm room doors. Remember? So we could leave each other love notes and goodies? I still have my note from you. It says: Krista, Hi! You are way too cute and always make me smile! Good luck on all your finals. You’ll do GREAT!! I’m taking you up on that visit to Hilton Head!! [heart], Catie.

Catie, did you know that you always make me smile? Even through the tears and mascara that have stained my face this morning. I’m still smiling … because I’m thinking of you. Thinking of how you were my first friend at college. Thinking of Tuesday devotionals and Tunnel Singing. Thinking of our long talks and walks to campus. Thinking of all the letters we wrote on our missions and phone calls exchanged while you were dating Steve. Thinking of your perpetual smile and beautiful face. Thinking of the freshman girl reunion we organized at your house in California. Thinking of how grateful I am that we got to visit one last time last summer. Thinking of the way our friendship, and your life, has changed me.

[Katie, Me, You (and your Mary), Em, Mand (and her Maddie). I love that we're holding hands.]

I can’t help but think about how all of us girls were “randomly” assigned to Deseret Towers T-hall 2nd floor. And how it wasn’t really random. How we’ve all been through finals and first apartments and pans of brownies and learning Em’s dance routines in the living room and misunderstandings and boys and missions and men and marriages and babies and careers together, and now this. How could we have known at 18 what life would bring twelve years later? Would we have done anything differently? I think I would’ve tried harder to get everyone together more often. I think I would’ve said, “I love you” more.

[Our last ward prayer before Sophomore year]

I’m pretty sure you know how much we all love you. Actually, I’m certain you do. And I hope you know how much we miss you. Already. Mandy called this morning to tell me. And we cried. Sobbed together really. I could hear her little George through the phone say, “Mommy I don’t want you to cry anymore.” And we laughed, but we couldn’t stop. Neither of us said much. We just cried.

[Just one more of you and your Mary.]

Catie, I don’t really know what to say. I just want you to know. To know that those of us who knew you before the cancer, will never forget the vibrant, bright, life-filled woman you were and now get to be again. And we’ll make sure your babies know who you were. We’ll make sure they know how funny you were. We’ll make sure they know how good and kind you were to everyone. We’ll make sure they know what a great missionary you were and how much you loved Steve. And we’ll make sure they knew the little things too, like how you’d pull your eye-brows out when you were studying hard, how much you loved your momma’s red-eye gravy, and how you’d talk incessantly during movies. We’ll make sure they know that you played a mean fiddle, that you were full of life and laughter. And we’ll make sure they know how much you loved them. We’ll wrap ‘em up as if they were our own and make sure. Promise.

Oh and Catie? I love you.

… I’ll be seeing you.

[You and me]

Good Things Utah Appearance: Feb. 18, 2010 [Fabric Bracelet Tutorial]

Hello Friends! And happy Saturday! It’s sunny here in Utah and that makes me really really happy. It’s going to be an organizing/cleaning day today. Between the Valentine’s dinner last weekend and then getting ready for my segment on Good Things last week, the house is a royal disaster.

Thanks for all your kind notes about my GTU appearance. And welcome to any newcomers!

For those of you who missed the segment or who would like to watch it again to see how to make the Beaded Bow-tie Bracelet, here is the clip. (And here’s the link to the story’s page on ABC.) Enjoy!

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Tutorial: Ruffle Cuff Bracelet

Ruffled bracelets are popping up everywhere! I think they are going to be a popular Spring fashion trend. Enjoy this easy tutorial and make your own.

Supplies: bracelet cuff (found at most craft stores) * scissors * needle and thread * base fabric * ruffle fabric * fabric glue (I use Beacon Adhesive)

1. Measure the length of the cuff, add 1/2″. Then decide how wide you want the cuff to be. Cut 2 pieces of base fabric based on those measurements. My cuff was 7 inches long and I decided on a base of about 7.5″ x 1.5″.

2. Multiply the length of the cuff by 3 or 4 (depending on how full you want the ruffle) and cut ruffle fabric. Width is your choice. Cut three strips of ruffle fabric. Mine were 24″ x 1″.

3. Take one of the ruffle strips and baste along one edge. Gather fabric into a ruffle.

4. Even out your ruffle along one of the length edges of your base fabric. Pin to secure and sew in place with minimal seam.

5. Repeat step 4 on opposite side of base fabric.

6. With the last ruffle you will actually baste down the middle of the strip (rather than the edge). Pin and sew to the middle of your base. Trim long edge if needed so that the under ruffles show.

7. Center bracelet to the underside of your base. Glue in place (along entire length of cuff) with fabric adhesive.

8. The outside of your bracelet will look like this:

9. The inside will look like this:

10. “Finish” the inside by gluing your second piece of base fabric (or piece of ribbon) .

11. All done! Although I think I’m going to look for a string of vintage rhinestones or pearls to glue to the center just to give it a little more interest and sparkle.

Tips and Variations:

  • I personally love the unfinished/frayed edges on this cuff, but if that’s not your style, simply double the width of your ruffle strips, fold lengthwise, sew along long edge, turn right-side-out and iron flat.
  • You could also use ruffled lace instead of fabric and bypass the basting all together.
  • Instead of using one color of a single type of fabric for all three ruffles, mix it up. Mismatch colors and fabric types for an eclectic piece of jewelry.

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Tutorial: No-Knit Cable Bangle

Is it just me, or have you seen a lot of knitted bangles around blog-land? Even cJane has a lovely collection, and who doesn’t love cJane’s fashion sense? But what if you don’t knit? Well, if you have an old sweater, this tutorial is your answer.

Supplies: 1 old sweater (preferrably with a cable pattern) * scissors * sewing machine *fabric glue (optional)

1. Measure your wrist. Decide how wide you want your bangle and how loose you want it to hang (keep in mind that knit yarn stretches. Cut fabric based on these measurements. I cut mine 8″ x 4″.

2. Fold length-wise with right sides together. Sew along long edge. Turn right-side-out. You will end up with a tubular piece that looks like this:

3. Fold one end in on itself about 1/2″ to 1″. Insert other end into folded end. Should look like this:

4. Sew (or glue) shut.

5. Voila!

(Please forgive the changing pink color in each picture. I was quickly losing daylight. And uh … pay no mind to my alien arm in that last picture. Taking a self portrait of  your wrist is harder than it seems.)

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Tutorial: Beaded Bow-tie Bracelet

I LOVE this bracelet! I love the feminity of the bow-tie closure and the contrast of the silver spacer against the black fabric. And the beads! Well. I love ‘em. You could easily turn this into a necklace or make multiples in different colors and tie them all together for a chunkier, funkier look. Have fun! And let me know how yours turns out.

Supplies: wooden craft beads * spacer beads * ribbon * fabric (needs to be a thin, lightweight fabric) * measuring tape * scissors * needle and thread

1. Measure your wrist.

2. Measure the circumference of your bead.

3. Cut fabric 2″ longer than your wrist length and 1″ wider than the bead’s circumeference.

4. Fold fabric in half lengthwise and sew a 1/4″ seam along the long edge.

5. Turn right-side-out. Then turn raw edge of one end inside. Cut 2 10″ pieces of ribbon and insert one about a 1/2″ into the turned in edge. Using needle and thread, stitch closed using a running stich, synching as you sew. Be sure to catch the ribbon in your stiches.

6. Insert bead through open end. Next, slide spacer over fabric.

7. Follow this bead/spacer pattern until you reach the end of the tube and have about 1/2″ of fabric left (you should end with a bead).

8. Turn the fabric in, insert the end of the other ribbon (1/2″) and sew closed in the same manner as the other end.

9. And then … you’re done!

Tips and Variations:

  • Make sure that you measure your beads properly and don’t over-sew the seam. I made that mistake the first time and my wooden beads wouldn’t fit inside. Luckily the marbles from the toy bin did. :)
  • Instead of using spacers like the ones I did, you could also use jump rings, embroidery floss or even lace or ribbon (if using floss or lace, you’d just tie a knot in between each bead).
  • Use a solid fabric, but cover/double up with lace for an extra romantic and vintage feel.

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News ‘n Stuff

Hey friends!

It’s way late and I doubt many of you are still up, but I wanted to remind you that I’ll be on Good Things Utah tomorrow morning at 10 a.m. MST. That’s ABC4 for those of you ’round these parts. I’ll post the link as soon as the show is over for those of you who are out of state. My segment is on fabric bracelets. Should be fun! It’s always a blast with those ladies.

For those of you finding your way here from the Good Things Utah site … Welcome! I’m so glad to have you stop by. I hope you’ll find some things worth sticking around for. If you’d like to receive ideas, tutorials, receipes, and inspiration via email, just sign up over there on the right where it says “mailing list.” You can also stay in touch via Facebook and Twitter. If you’re looking for the tutorials on the bracelets, they’re here, here, and here. And feel free to email me if you have any questions.

In other news, I’ve been hired to sew 7 bridesmaid dresses for an April 18 wedding as well as a special dress (I’m designing it) for a little girl’s upcoming baptism. I’m pretty stoked!

And last but not least, a few of you have asked how eHarmony is going for me. Well. My membership has ended and I’m not going to be renewing. But I’ll give a full update later this week perhaps?

Now I’ve got to get to bed and get some beauty sleep.

xo

Krista

Oh, The Places You’ll Go. Oh, The Places I’ve Been.

When I was at home over the Christmas holiday, I began digging through boxes and drawers and browsing the shelves of my old room. Not much has changed since I lived there twelve years ago, which is one of the things I love about my mom. Our rooms are still our rooms and remain “as they were” when we three girls lived in them, although she has commandeered part of my room to use for furniture storage.

My swimming trophies and Care Bears still line the top shelf, my toe shoes on the shelf just below. My desk drawers are filled with the notes and letters of my adolescence, yellowed newspaper clippings and office supplies (I had an addiction even then). My jewelry box is still stuffed with handmade earrings, covered in gems and jewels, too big and neon for anyone’s good–a collection even Cyndi Lauper would envy. On the wall is the plaque I received for the highest academic average in AP History my senior year. And next to that is the plaque for the 1997 Citizenship Award from Hilton Head Preparatory. Behind my dresser is my art portfolio with every painting, pencil sketch, and pastel drawing since my first art class at age 8. Just outside my door are my awards for completing all four years of early-morning Seminary with 100% attendance. And next to those, framed in gold, is my acceptance letter to BYU.  To the right of my bed is the nightstand that held my bubble-gum pink stereo, the stereo on which I would record radio shows onto cassette tapes so I could play and replay my favorite songs.

In fact I remember one morning. It was about 5:30 a.m. and I was getting ready for Seminary. I had the radio dialed in to the country station because although I’d not liked country music until then, Carlton Elliott (who I had a big fat crush on) liked country music and I needed something to talk to him about, so I forced myself to listen to it until I did (ay ya yai, the things we do when we’re 15 and like a boy!). So anyways, it was about 5:30 a.m. and the song “Please Don’t Take the Girl” by Tim McGraw came on for the first time and my tender 15-year-old heart couldn’t take it. I sat at the edge of my bed, my dim lamp barely making a dent in the dark of morning, crying my little eyes out over that three-and-a-half minute love story, willing God (right along with Tim) to not “take the girl.”

To the left of my bed sit my “missionary shoes,” duct taped and superglued, with holes in the soles and only half a heel left on each shoe. And sitting beside the  shoes, stacked in chronological order, are my yearbooks.

I was never “popular” by any means. At least not after 6th grade when Adam Schwartz and I broke up. We’d been “the” couple ever since 4th grade, and with that came some measure of popularity. Actually, come to think of it, it was Brian Hollingsworth who called “on behalf of Adam” to ask if I wanted to “go out” with him. Mind you we never talked to each other, let alone “went out” anywhere, at least not that first year. But like I said, I wasn’t “popular” in the traditional I’m-ultra-cool-and-everyone-wants-to-be-like-me way. But I was friendly and I knew everyone. And everyone knew me. (Is that a correct assessment Meghan? I think you’re the only person from grade/high school that reads my blog.)

So anyways, over Christmas I spent the better part of an afternoon flipping the pages of each book. Scanning the faces. Reliving memories I’d almost forgotten. Remembering friends, and boys I was certain I “loved.” Feeling the flood of emotion that inevitably comes when you swim through any sort of reminiscense. Thinking about who I was. And who I am. Where I’ve been. And where I’m going.

I could see my personality taking shape even in my round 10-year-old face. I could see my life path being laid with every accomplishment and honor of high school. And I could see the truth in the scripture, wherein God says, “Verily, verily, I say unto thee, blessed art thou for what thou hast done; for thou hast inquired of me, and behold, as often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instruction of my Spirit. If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou art at this time.”

I need to get back to that place. That place where I inquired more. Where I counseled more with the heavens. Because if I’m going to get where I’m going, I need that instruction. I need that guidance. I need the assurance that I’m in the right place at the right time today, so that tomorrow I can say the same.

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This photo is for you Meghan. I do love it so. A seriously fantastic signature. Definitely the most creative one from 6th grade. :)

Dear Darling {8}

Dear Darling,

Most of yesterday was spent in bed as I’m a bit under the weather, you see. If you were here I would make you scratch my back all day. I know some people don’t like to be touched when they’re sick, but I like to be, need to be, curled up beside someone with their hand gently resting on me, softly stroking my hair. Touch makes everything right in my world, you know.

But that’s not the point of this letter (although that’s very valuable information that you might just want to tuck away for later). No, the point of this letter is to tell you that, because I was too sick to read, or paint, or even watch a movie, I spent the day in bed drifting in and out of consciousness as I listened to my new Valentine’s Day playlist. And inevitably, I dreamed of you.

I dreamed of our courtship and how lovely it was that you actually courted me in this day in age when such a practice has all but been forgotten. I dreamed of holding hands on evening walks, and dates to get a 25-cent ice-cream cone on late summer afternoons. I dreamed of picnics and flip-flops and lazy afternoons by the lake. I dreamed of end-of-the-night kisses on the front porch. Of holding onto you so tightly when it was time for you to go home–I hate it so when you have to leave. And I dreamed of that day when we’ll promise forever. There was laughter and family and friends all around, lights and garlands strung from the stars. If nothing else, I do know how to throw a party, and we two were wrapped up in total bliss, dancing (of course) the night away as we began our happily ever after.

And babe, I’ve just got to say: You have got some moves.

xo,

me

(your-totally-hot-for-you-future-wife)

Keeping My Hopes Pinned to the Heavens

Last Monday I wrote about “Getting Your Hopes Up.” And all week long, I thought about all the things I hope for and how they propel my life forward. But today, while the rain falls, my thoughts are consumed by a friend who is in what feels like a hopeless situation. And I’m mad, and I’m sad, at the realities of mortality that she’s having to face. And I’m frustrated by the fact that it feels hopeless to me to begin with. And I’m thinking, how could I be so cavalier and insensitive with my opinions on how we should all hope way up in the clouds when she is fighting for another day while her hopes of life and love and family are dimming? And I’m thinking, how do you have hope when it really does seem like a situation is hopeless?

But then I think, Krista. You know that nothing is hopeless. You know God watches over all. You know that life doesn’t end at death. And you know that families can be together forever. And you know that love is eternal. You know that.

But even though I know all that, I’m still mad. And I’m still sad. And I still cry. And I don’t know how to not be mad. And I don’t know how to not be sad. And I don’t know how to make the tears stop.

And so today, while I believe that Christ is the author and finisher of my faith, I also need Him to also be the author and finisher of my hope. He has to be. He. Has To. Be. Because I need my hopes for her, the ones that are quickly falling to the ground, to stay in the clouds. Way up in the clouds. And only He can keep them pinned to the heavens. And I need to be able to remember that, although our hopes might get interrupted for a minute–whether by life or by death–honest hopes are always fulfilled. Through Christ, they are all fulfilled.