See, here’s the thing. I don’t like to talk about dating. Partly because I don’t know what to say about it. But mostly because it’s difficult. It’s like walking a tight rope. If you wobble or bobble and say the wrong thing you fall on one of two sides: a) the side where you’re viewed as whiny and desperate and unsatisfied with your life because you don’t have “someone” or b) the side where you’re overly “fine” with your “situation” and don’t appear to even need that “someone”. And both, are dangerous.
Having said that, I need to explain some things about my perspective, which is LDS (Mormon). Most people who are not LDS would say that “30 and unmarried” isn’t that big of a deal–that there’s plenty of time. But the thing is, being “30 and unmarried” in the LDS faith is a bit of an anomaly. Most Mormons marry in their early 20’s and begin families soon thereafter. And while that trend is shifting to where people are now marrying at slightly older ages, it still doesn’t negate the emphasis our faith puts on the importance of family, regardless of age.
We believe–I believe— that the family is central to our Heavenly Father’s plan of happiness for us, His children. We believe that the greatest joys in life are to be found within the walls of our own homes. I know that to be true. And therein lies the foundation of my greatest wants.
And yet, beyond these matters of faith, there are also just the simple feelings of a girl’s heart–a hopeless romantic girl’s heart who wishes for someone to hold hands with and dance with late at night after all the dishes are done. Who wants to pack her love’s lunch every morning and iron his shirts every afternoon. Who wants to have dinner waiting, along side a big fat kiss. Who wants evening walks and quiet talks right before she tucks her perpetually frozen feet in between his warm ones under the covers. Who wants Cherrios ground into the carpet and permanent marker on the walls. (And if anyone tells me I’m living in a dreamland, leave now please. You’re not invited to read this blog anymore. I’m serious.) This girl has kept these feelings locked up tight for a while now, because it’s too hard to feel them. It’s just easier to avoid them and dive head first into the life I’ve been given, than to allow them to permeate the hours of daylight. It’s easier to say, “it’s fine. I’m happy. I love my life. What great things can I accomplish while I have this time?”
But that’s the thing…I really am fine. I am happy. I do love my life and want to do all I can to acheive great things. And I am–acheiving great things, that is. I’m on that tightrope, as we speak, feeling all of it at the same time–being “fine” but knowing there’s more, loving my life for all that it is but seeing what it still lacks, working hard to accomplish great things while knowing the greatest achievement I could ever attain is that of being a wife and mother.
Oh wow. I just re-read everything I just wrote. It’ll be your lucky day if I actually push “Publish Post.”
And so. I don’t talk about it. Because I don’t know what to say. And because it’s difficult and I don’t know how to walk the tightrope in public.
as always, please don’t leave any stupid comments.
and no, I still don’t want to talk about it.