Free Falling

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What to say? What to say?

Today’s lesson doesn’t come from the garden. It just comes from life. And perhaps all these lessons from the garden were really meant for me. For today. Perhaps they were God’s little way of preparing me, whispering to me, “Krista, my wonderful daughter, whom I love more than the world. I need you to remember a few things, because you’re about to leave one season of your life and enter a new one. You’re about to hit a rock in the path and you might wind up feeling a little dead, wondering where to go next. But if you can remember. Just remember, that I know the seasons from beginning to end and I guide their change. Remember that the rocks along your path keep you soft. Remember that what feels dead inside you now, will live again with the new sun of tomorrow. Remember that if you’ll just hold on to Me, I’ll help you grow and change and become all that I meant for you to become.”

See, once upon a time I was a senior in college. I got a PR internship with an entertainment company during my last semester. It wasn’t in my particular emphasis, but it was an internship and I needed one to graduate, so I took it. Well the internship turned into a job offer, a really good job offer, and though it wasn’t what I’d planned on doing with my degree, I’d grown to love it. Really love it. I was thriving and contributing and leading. And it was where God told me to stay. So I did.

For five years, I gave my life in a sense. Because when you’re single, that’s what you do. Your job is the thing that defines you. It’s what you use to fill the missing spaces left by the absence of a husband and children. It’s where you spend your time and find your validation. And so you give and you give and you give. And then you give some more.

I gave so much sometimes that I didn’t have anything left. For myself or for anyone else. I was doing the job of two people, quite literally sometimes. But I was happy to make other people look good and excited at all the things I was accomplishing. I had started as the Manager of PR and had made my way to Director of Marketing for our department and that felt good.

But then the economy tanked and our company took a hit. We had to streamline and evaluate where we could “trim the fat.” My position was eliminated at the beginning of the year and I was asked to fill a different set of roles. And while I was grateful for a job, the new position was a blow. I tried to make it sound good when I explained it to others, but I was puffing it up. At best I was a grunt assistant. My boss didn’t even give it a title when he told me where they were moving me because I’m sure he knew exactly what it was too.

I tried really hard to be positive. I tried to contribute. But I felt like my brain was turning to mush with every agenda + water bottle I set out for their meetings. I felt like every creative spark I had was being snuffed out with every set of minutes I took and task list I created. I felt like everything I had contributed to that point didn’t matter. Like I’d worked my tail off for five years for nothing. Not even a thank you.

Well today, I lost my job. And it stings.

At the same time though, I’ve been wanting to quit. I’ve been planning to quit. But I’ve just been too scared, worried to death that I wouldn’t be able to survive if I did. That’s the scary part about being single, you don’t have anyone to fall back on if you fail. There’s no one to pick up the slack when you fall. Yes, I have Frit and a wonderful family, but when push comes to shove, I have to pay rent. I have to pay the phone bill. I have to buy my groceries. There is no one else. And that’s petrifying.

But the lesson today is: God will push you over the cliff if you’re too afraid to jump.

So here I am. This is me. Free falling. (Hellooooo!). All the while remembering that to everything there is a season, that rocks make me soft, that just because something looks dead doesn’t mean it is, and that I just need to hold on to Him.

I’ll see ya when I land.

15 thoughts on “Free Falling

  1. Oh Krista, I am so sorry, I know that you will find what Heavenly Father has prepareded for you! You are wonderful and anyone would be lucky to have you work with them.

  2. Honestly, I felt like I needed a shove to get where I am today too. I knew it was time to go, but I was having a hard time leaving. It all works out in the end, even if the in between times are a little scary.

  3. If I could, I would love to hire you to sing to me all day long. And tell me stories between the breaks of singing. You do both so beautifully!

  4. I want to just sit and cry with you for a few minutes. You know and I know it's all going to be way better in the end – but right now I just want to cry with you. It's hard to grow. It's hard to push up against the rock. Even if it means life will be better later.

    If you need a road trip to get away – come visit me for a while.

  5. I'm sorry you lost your job but I'll tell you this… 6 months ago I was laid off and in that six months I have really been able to enjoy my time and talents and find a part of me that I've lost since I left home. And today I was given a job offer. It took six months of patience and lots of applying but I did it and it's so worth the extra time to really take a break and enjoy life!

  6. Oh Krista…when I saw you tonight, something in the back of my mind said…something is up. But the practical side of me kept saying…everyone has an off night–she's ok. I am so sorry. I had no idea. I want you to know that if you EVER need ANYTHING–please know that you can call on me and I would be more than happy to cry with you! ANYTHING..ANYTIME!

  7. Ugh! I wasn't expecting to read that today. Not good news, I'm so sorry sweetheart! You can come take care of my kids :) hehehe…. I love you

  8. Oh, Kris, I'm so sorry. You are the most talented and creative woman I know. I'm praying for you…

  9. I love you. You know that, right? I'd love to do lunch soon…

    And I'm shocked. Seriously. And I'm so sorry. Oh, and I really love you. Did I mention that?

  10. I love that you see the positive in every situation. You look at it realistically without being blown away. (if that makes any sense). I think you should write… just show them your blog to let them know you can.

  11. Wow, Krista, I'm so sorry. What day did I see you?…Just the day before this post, I think. My goodness, what hard and very surprising news. I'm absolutely amazed at you though- your post is still inspiring despite being pushed off a cliff. Sending my bestest wishes to you!!!!! Love ya!

  12. So, I just found out about your push off the cliff. And as a girl who was WEARING your shoes not to long ago. Amen, Amen, and Amen to your thoughts.

    Know I'm here for you. Feel free to call, write, ask for assistance (no matter what kind) and know you are in my prayers… and my thoughts… cause just so you know, after you get pushed off the cliff, it makes jumping off of it not seem so terrifying.

    Love you.
    Ang

  13. Krista, you are the most talented person I have ever known! This is just a stepping stone for you!! Love you to pieces!!!

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