What to say? What to say?
Today’s lesson doesn’t come from the garden. It just comes from life. And perhaps all these lessons from the garden were really meant for me. For today. Perhaps they were God’s little way of preparing me, whispering to me, “Krista, my wonderful daughter, whom I love more than the world. I need you to remember a few things, because you’re about to leave one season of your life and enter a new one. You’re about to hit a rock in the path and you might wind up feeling a little dead, wondering where to go next. But if you can remember. Just remember, that I know the seasons from beginning to end and I guide their change. Remember that the rocks along your path keep you soft. Remember that what feels dead inside you now, will live again with the new sun of tomorrow. Remember that if you’ll just hold on to Me, I’ll help you grow and change and become all that I meant for you to become.”
See, once upon a time I was a senior in college. I got a PR internship with an entertainment company during my last semester. It wasn’t in my particular emphasis, but it was an internship and I needed one to graduate, so I took it. Well the internship turned into a job offer, a really good job offer, and though it wasn’t what I’d planned on doing with my degree, I’d grown to love it. Really love it. I was thriving and contributing and leading. And it was where God told me to stay. So I did.
For five years, I gave my life in a sense. Because when you’re single, that’s what you do. Your job is the thing that defines you. It’s what you use to fill the missing spaces left by the absence of a husband and children. It’s where you spend your time and find your validation. And so you give and you give and you give. And then you give some more.
I gave so much sometimes that I didn’t have anything left. For myself or for anyone else. I was doing the job of two people, quite literally sometimes. But I was happy to make other people look good and excited at all the things I was accomplishing. I had started as the Manager of PR and had made my way to Director of Marketing for our department and that felt good.
But then the economy tanked and our company took a hit. We had to streamline and evaluate where we could “trim the fat.” My position was eliminated at the beginning of the year and I was asked to fill a different set of roles. And while I was grateful for a job, the new position was a blow. I tried to make it sound good when I explained it to others, but I was puffing it up. At best I was a grunt assistant. My boss didn’t even give it a title when he told me where they were moving me because I’m sure he knew exactly what it was too.
I tried really hard to be positive. I tried to contribute. But I felt like my brain was turning to mush with every agenda + water bottle I set out for their meetings. I felt like every creative spark I had was being snuffed out with every set of minutes I took and task list I created. I felt like everything I had contributed to that point didn’t matter. Like I’d worked my tail off for five years for nothing. Not even a thank you.
Well today, I lost my job. And it stings.
At the same time though, I’ve been wanting to quit. I’ve been planning to quit. But I’ve just been too scared, worried to death that I wouldn’t be able to survive if I did. That’s the scary part about being single, you don’t have anyone to fall back on if you fail. There’s no one to pick up the slack when you fall. Yes, I have Frit and a wonderful family, but when push comes to shove, I have to pay rent. I have to pay the phone bill. I have to buy my groceries. There is no one else. And that’s petrifying.
But the lesson today is: God will push you over the cliff if you’re too afraid to jump.
So here I am. This is me. Free falling. (Hellooooo!). All the while remembering that to everything there is a season, that rocks make me soft, that just because something looks dead doesn’t mean it is, and that I just need to hold on to Him.
I’ll see ya when I land.