Is that like my cup running over? Hmm. I’ll have to think about that. In the meantime, I have a hilarious story about Frit … that I will be sharing on Monday (oh good gracious, you REALLY want to stop by on Monday. I don’t even know if I can wait that long!), but today I want to talk (write) through some things I’ve been thinking about, as it pertains to where I’m headed. I know! Aren’t you so excited?! Me TOO!

As I’ve faced unemployment square in the wide-open-with-possibilities face, I’ve had daily visions of all the things I’ve always wanted to do but never did because I didn’t have time. Before, when I had a job, it was all I could do at the end of the day to put on pajamas, fix a PB&J for dinner, and watch Cosby Show (best show ever) on DVD until bedtime.

But now, having 8 hours of my planner not tied to a job, makes me feel full of life and excitement for what my life can/could be. Having said that, I don’t want to diminish the time I spent in my last job. I knew, as a young college graduate, that when I said “Yes” to the job offer, that it was exactly where I was supposed to be. It was exactly what I was supposed to do. And over the last six years I have gained a vast and varied skill set that now makes me highly marketable & incredibly knowledgeable. I mean, I was the publicist responsible for the nomination that led to a Grammy-win for Gladys Knight for cryin’ out loud! I produced and managed a regional musical tour seen by almost 150,000 people over the last three years! I placed media stories & appearances for our recording artists that resulted in 10,000,000+ media impressions in one year! No, my time there was not wasted. I gave so much. I learned so much. I became so much.

But seasons change and now it is time to put that knowledge to use to support my passions, and my dreams. All of them. Some people think that the trouble with us Pisces is that we’re always swimming in two, three, ten different directions. But the great thing about being a Pisces is that I’m always swimming two, three, ten different directions! I love the energy I feel when my brain cranks are churning, dreaming, flying in different directions. Particularly the dreaming. That is how I’ve spent much of my last two weeks.

And as I’ve looked at and thought about all my ideas and dreams, I’ve begun to realize that our desires/ideas/dreams contain clues to what we’re best suited for and capable to achieving. If you want big things, you’re capable of doing big things. If you feel inclined toward a certain thing, then you’ll be able to do it. But too often we limit ourselves because of fear, or uncertainty, or lack of know-how. But as my friend Laurel so appropriately quoted Lee Iacocca recently:

So what do we do?
Anything.
Something.
So long as we just don’t sit there.
If we screw it up, start over.
Try something else.
If we wait until we’ve satisfied all uncertainties,
it may be too late.

I’m not certain that my ideas are right. I feel like they are, but if I’m wrong, I’ll start over. If I fail, I’ll try again. And never in my life have I looked at things with this type of an attitude. I’m one who appreciates certainty, safety, maps, outlines, step by step instructions for success. I’ve always steered clear of doing things I knew I wouldn’t be good at. But I don’t know if I’m going to be good at this. But I’m at a place where I can’t help but try. The pot is bubbling over and I can’t put a lid on it. I don’t want to.

Are as follows:

1. I will be out of bed by 7:00 a.m. daily
2. I will be showered and dressed (with make-up and jewelry) by 10:00 a.m. daily
3. I will go to the gym daily
4. I will read my scriptures and other spirit-lifting literature before noon daily
5. I will make my bed before noon daily
6. I will do at least one productive thing every day. List of options? Oh yes:
a) service
b) visiting
c) tasks associated with future professional plans/job searching/job creation/etc.
d) cleaning/organizing
e) yard work

This is me, spending a sunny Monday morning on my couch. And that little sugar lump is Izzy, fast asleep in her favorite spot. Ah, the things you can do when you don’t have a job.

Make a peach pie!

Well, alright. I realize that that might be a bit of a stretch, logistically speaking, but the fact of the matter is … I’ve had enough of my pity party. Two days were plenty, and by the end of yesterday, even I was tired of being around me.

So I hit a bump in the road. Big deal. I allowed myself to go through the emotions–all of them. From shock, to happy, to sad, to mad, to excitement, to a little bit more mad, to hurt, to relief, to just…okay. And then got up and I made a peach pie with the leftover peaches we canned on Monday night.

After dinner, Frit and I went to religion class where, ironically, the best friend of my former job’s CEO (did you follow that?) was teaching and she had us all stand up at the beginning of the class and say our names and share what we “do.” Frit looked at me and burst out laughing. I stood up and just said I “did” marketing. Apparently the gods are trying to keep me humble. And it was a funny way to end my pity party.

But Wendy (my former job’s CEO’s best friend) did say something that stood out to me. We were studying Genesis 24-50 last night, particularly the juxtoposition of freedom and bondage in those chapters, and she said, “Before we came to this life, we each promised Heavenly Father that we’d fulfill our purpose here. And if something doesn’t feel right about the path you’re on, then perhaps you’re not doing what you told Him you would do.” (that’s not a direct quote but it’s the basic jist).

And you know, she’s right. I haven’t felt “right” at that job for some time, but because my fear of the unknown, I stayed put. I was in bondage in a sense. But now I have a chance to figure out exactly what I need to be doing, and more especially, to grow more into my true self because of this situation.

So no more pity party. No more aimless wandering. No more staying in pajamas until noon. No more feeling lost. Because I’m not. I am a child of God and He loves me. He knows me and guides me. And He knows what He’s doing even when I don’t. He has given me talents and abilities and hopes and dreams for a reason and those are the things that make me unique (my special sauce). And that is what defines me.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to make a plan. I think I know what to do. That is, right after I eat a piece of pie.

Before I get on with the “real” post, here are two quick housekeeping items:

1. Thank you for ALL the gift cards and clothing for the Hardman Family. I’m waiting for two more cards (that are in the mail) and once I have those, I’ll be sending everything to the Hardman’s. You can read an article about how they and their neighbors are doing here.

2. Yesterday, I showed Cooper my post about his crush. He beamed the entire time he was reading it as though he had “arrived” now that his face was on the internet. And when he got to the end and read the last sentence, he looked at me almost shocked that I hadn’t realized that HE could make me a flower, and with the sweetest enthusiasm said: “I could make you one!” And he did. Colored in my favorite colors. Bless him. If only he were 20 years older.

And now for the “real” post…

As most of you know I lost my job last Thursday. Well, the very next day I went to an all-day event with my friend Mindy and then on Saturday, I helped at a booth at a Healthy Living Expo. Sunday was of course busy busy with Church as well as a photo shoot with my youngest sister. So yesterday was the first real day without a job and I was determined to enjoy it.

I got up, ate breakfast, and went to the gym. Then I got ready for the day and stopped by a neighbor’s house to go over some things for my new job at Church. Then I came home and made a list of grocery items and errands I needed to run. I finished all of that by 1:30. So I came home and cleaned my bathroom.

2:00.

At this point I began to feel lost. There were certainly still things I could do, but instead I just sat on my couch staring at the wall while a thunderstorm turned the sky dark and pelted my house with a monsoon. Luckily Frit came home a couple hours later and we canned peaches for Family Night.

She keeps asking me how I’m feeling but I never know how to answer her. Even as I write this I don’t know. Because I really am so extremely happy to not be working there anymore. I’m still totally thrilled that my life is wide open to endless possibilities. But right now, I just feel lost.

That job, even though it was hell on earth this last year, was my “thing.” It was where I went every day. It was what I did every day. It employed the people I talked to every day. It was the green box that took up the majority of every day in my perfectly color-coded planner. When someone asked, “What do you do?” it was my answer. And I’ll admit, I felt proud of the title and the position, perhaps to a fault.

But now I don’t know where to go or what to do. My planner has no colors. If someone asks, “What do you do?” (and someone did on Friday), I don’t have an answer. And all of that is a very weird feeling.

But the thought came to me this morning, I think as an answer to prayer: Your job did not define you. Whoa. Say what? Come again? Your job did not define you. And when I stopped to really think about that, it’s true. But it’s also totally and completely shocking. Because if my job didn’t define me, then the question becomes: what does?

And that my friends, is the question of the day.

Today was the first day on my path to what’s next. And that picture above proves that I believe there is something important and worthwhile for me. I took it right before I left the house this morning and I love that I can see no ounce of fear in my eyes. I still haven’t figured everything out, but it’s okay, and I find myself completely energized by the idea of taking the time to breathe and regroup. I honestly feel alive for the first time in a long time. The possibilities are endless and reeling. I feel … free.

Now if I’m being totally honest, I’ve still felt a bit of anger a couple times today over how everything ended yesterday. Like, why, if my boss noticed that I wasn’t happy, didn’t he call me in and say, “Hey, I know this job isn’t ideal, but how can we work this out to be better?” or “I can sense you’re not happy.” or “I noticed you’re not as go-gettum as you used to be.” I mean I never even got a notice or a warning or a pink slip or anything. And I’m also angry because I feel like there was no one who went to bat for me. I mean if they were having discussions about letting me go, why didn’t anyone say, “You know she has really been an asset to our company. She held so much together during the many management changes in her department. She defended our reputation on numerous occasions. She stepped in and did impossible things when no one else would. She’s always been a team player, how/where can we better use her talents?” I think that’s the thing that stings the most. I gave so much. And this is how I get thanked.

But … today I decided, I’m not going to talk about or acknowledge the anger again after this. I don’t want to be bitter. I don’t want to be angry. I choose to be positive. I am so grateful for the time I had there, for the people I worked with (most of them), and the opportunities to learn and grow in so many ways professionally. And really, being let go turned out better for me than if I’d quit. This way I still have access to my paid leave and my pension.

So, my dear friends. I thank you for your support, your love, your care, your concern, and your prayers. For sure, keep it comin’ but just know … I’m so happy. More happy than I have been in a long time. I have one, amazing, life to live and I’m ready to live it.

I love you.

p.s. I’m of course weighing all my options over the next few weeks and evaluating what I want, who I want to be, and where I feel can make the best, most valuable, contribution and I’d like to pose a question to you … if I asked you to tell me (from your perspective) three ingredients that make up my “special sauce,” meaning three things that make me unique and different and “Krista”, what would you tell me? I’ve been thinking about this today and I think it’s valuable to ask others what they see from their perspective. So lay it on me. :) (Does that make sense?)

What to say? What to say?

Today’s lesson doesn’t come from the garden. It just comes from life. And perhaps all these lessons from the garden were really meant for me. For today. Perhaps they were God’s little way of preparing me, whispering to me, “Krista, my wonderful daughter, whom I love more than the world. I need you to remember a few things, because you’re about to leave one season of your life and enter a new one. You’re about to hit a rock in the path and you might wind up feeling a little dead, wondering where to go next. But if you can remember. Just remember, that I know the seasons from beginning to end and I guide their change. Remember that the rocks along your path keep you soft. Remember that what feels dead inside you now, will live again with the new sun of tomorrow. Remember that if you’ll just hold on to Me, I’ll help you grow and change and become all that I meant for you to become.”

See, once upon a time I was a senior in college. I got a PR internship with an entertainment company during my last semester. It wasn’t in my particular emphasis, but it was an internship and I needed one to graduate, so I took it. Well the internship turned into a job offer, a really good job offer, and though it wasn’t what I’d planned on doing with my degree, I’d grown to love it. Really love it. I was thriving and contributing and leading. And it was where God told me to stay. So I did.

For five years, I gave my life in a sense. Because when you’re single, that’s what you do. Your job is the thing that defines you. It’s what you use to fill the missing spaces left by the absence of a husband and children. It’s where you spend your time and find your validation. And so you give and you give and you give. And then you give some more.

I gave so much sometimes that I didn’t have anything left. For myself or for anyone else. I was doing the job of two people, quite literally sometimes. But I was happy to make other people look good and excited at all the things I was accomplishing. I had started as the Manager of PR and had made my way to Director of Marketing for our department and that felt good.

But then the economy tanked and our company took a hit. We had to streamline and evaluate where we could “trim the fat.” My position was eliminated at the beginning of the year and I was asked to fill a different set of roles. And while I was grateful for a job, the new position was a blow. I tried to make it sound good when I explained it to others, but I was puffing it up. At best I was a grunt assistant. My boss didn’t even give it a title when he told me where they were moving me because I’m sure he knew exactly what it was too.

I tried really hard to be positive. I tried to contribute. But I felt like my brain was turning to mush with every agenda + water bottle I set out for their meetings. I felt like every creative spark I had was being snuffed out with every set of minutes I took and task list I created. I felt like everything I had contributed to that point didn’t matter. Like I’d worked my tail off for five years for nothing. Not even a thank you.

Well today, I lost my job. And it stings.

At the same time though, I’ve been wanting to quit. I’ve been planning to quit. But I’ve just been too scared, worried to death that I wouldn’t be able to survive if I did. That’s the scary part about being single, you don’t have anyone to fall back on if you fail. There’s no one to pick up the slack when you fall. Yes, I have Frit and a wonderful family, but when push comes to shove, I have to pay rent. I have to pay the phone bill. I have to buy my groceries. There is no one else. And that’s petrifying.

But the lesson today is: God will push you over the cliff if you’re too afraid to jump.

So here I am. This is me. Free falling. (Hellooooo!). All the while remembering that to everything there is a season, that rocks make me soft, that just because something looks dead doesn’t mean it is, and that I just need to hold on to Him.

I’ll see ya when I land.